Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Life in a Very, Very Full Nutshell

I'm scared. I usually don't actually journal on these things, but I need to. I'm really, truly scared that I can't fix this. In the last week, I've gone through a shit ton of stuff, and most of it occurred after I had already realized that something was terribly wrong with me.

Sunday evening, I dissociated out of my body, in a way I had never done before. I quite literally went somewhere else for what seemed like hours, only to 'wake up' in my body a minute later. This would have freaked me out at the best of times, but worse, I was driving when it happened. Someone could have walked out in front of my car, and I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I'm terrified every time I drive now that I'm going to lose it again and someone will get killed.

Following that, I got in a fight with someone I love dearly, resulting in a change of relationship with them. That left me heartbroken. I made a number of mistakes, although I was not the only one.  I feel so guilty, even though it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, really. Sometimes you just can't give someone what they want.

My roommate, instead of being "yeah, it's normal to be down after that", the way I was when he went through a lot of shit recently, said that he was done with me and complained about how I never took his advice, but he was going to give it to me anyways. He then informed me that the plan for him to move out and in with a friend (something we had agreed upon weeks ago, and I need. I cannot be abused by him anymore. I'm afraid to be in my own house) was more of an idea than a plan, and he doesn't think it's actually going to happen. When I pointed out that I had already been seriously discussing with another friend the idea of them moving in with me, he got mad. Apparently, I hadn't mentioned this to him before, and I was supposed to wait for his go-ahead to talk to people, and he had never actually said he was moving out (B.S. on all accounts. I'd mentioned it several times, and he had given me a plan about how the moving out was going to work) So he started coming at me like "So, what, you're just kicking me out? I'm so fucking hurt!". Stupid sap that I am, I said no. Because I'm honestly afraid of my roommate.

So, in addition to being freaked out, I've also been extremely depressed. It seems like the stress will never decrease, and sometimes death is the only out I can see. I've been having fantasies about jumping off a building, which is not good. I'm lucky that I have parents who I can go to for help, but that required some explaining about stuff that I hadn't been telling them because it would have caused problems before.

Because of all this stuff, I haven't been able to go to work for a couple of days now. I work for CPS, dealing with abuse and neglect cases. Not a low stress job. I can't help with traumatized people right now. I mean, I haven't been able to eat. Like, I get hungry, and when I try to eat or think about food, my body rejects it. I have to force myself to eat, then force it to stay down. I can't sleep well. I wake up every few hours and feel so utterly hopeless that I can't move, so I'm constantly exhausted. And every so often, for no apparent reason, I start panicking. There's no obvious trigger. I just feel a need to run away.

My therapist says that my body is breaking down because of all the stress. My 'Fight, Flight, or Freeze" system has kicked in, and nothing but the parts required for safety will be given energy. That includes my digestive track, apparently. I've been taking Kava extract, which kind of makes me stoned, but even with that, it's a nearly constant battle. My therapist says that, between the dissociation, the suicidal thoughts, and the physical symptoms, she believes the problem is more serious than I had thought (and I'm prone to worrying too much). If I don't get the stressors in my life under control, my body will continue to break down (My roommate was kind enough to point out that if I can't eat, I might lose a few pounds). I have to stop the process and put it in reverse, or hospitalization may be the only option. And I REALLY don't want to go there.

I'm trying some coping mechanisms, which are helping a bit. I keep reminding myself that I need to focus on changing the stuff around me that I can change, and cutting the bad people out of my life. Some of that is easy. I can choose to ignore some people. But other, mostly my roommate, are more difficult. I don't know how to tell my roommate that he needs to leave. Before it was easy, because we agreed on it. Now it turns me into the villain, and I'm worried that I'll lose some very good friends because of it. So I'm not sure what to do there. I also think I'm going to go visit a friend an hour or so north of here for a few days. He's been helping me a lot, and he offered me his floor for a couple of days. I think a change of scenery might be just what I need.

Anyways, thanks for reading this. I really needed to get that stuff out to someone, even if it's an anonymous web-surfing stranger. I don't know who you are, but thank you. I hope one day I can extend such a kindness to you.

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